[entries re-arranged into chronological order by i_p]
Greetings and welcome to Jazzy's old Tower.
It has been abandoned by Jazzy, AKA Rowena Saldana, AKA Nazriah, AKA dajazzyone, AKA Zhkari.
She lied to her employer, her family, her friends, and me. She just plays EverQuest now.
This is an account of my experience with her.
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3/22/02
Why?
Why should I be so upset about this. Why spend so much time?
I haven't really thought about it. It just felt right.
I spent so much time thinking about her. Every hour of every day,
sometimes every minute. Every decision I made, I considered her. Many
times, I considered her first. Many times...
I still think about her. There was nothing to me but Rowena and work. I
tried so hard to do things for her, to make her happy. It worked really
well, until I went off to work for a startup company.
History:
I went to work for a startup company the second year we were living
together. It took up a large amount of my time. There is reason to
beleive she started cheating then. Before, I had worked for Nortel with
4 hour days that counted as 8. I had alot of free time to call her, and
think of things to do for her. We were both very happy.
One night, Javier (Thornal) called her cell phone. She had just gone to
the store. So I answered, and he talked to me for a minute. He hung up
on me when I asked who was calling. She said it was nothing. It was
Jav's roomate, and he was just nervous. I was suspicious, but I
beleived her. I trusted her, she was my girl. She was my favorite girl
in the world, and I loved her. This was well over eighteen months ago.
In November, I noticed that she had quit going to work. I would ask her
about it, and she said she was sick. She eventually started lying to me
about it saying that she was going to work, and I didn't know any
better.
I was working long hours, and would go in as she woke up. Still, ever
since we started living together, I would kiss her every morning, and
tell her I loved her as I was getting ready to leave. She would get up,
and go to the bathroom. She used to go to work after that...
When I came home, she would be home.
She never got my messages that I left at work for her. She can't say I
didn't try to do anything for her. I would call her at work because I
had thought of something for us to do together. She wouldn't get my
messages, and when I got home she would be playing EQ. If I tried to
mention going out, she would just get angry. She didn't get my message
because her voicemail at work was screwed up, and it was my fault for
not telling her in advance. I wanted to spend time with her, I wanted
to make her happy. That was my goal in life, to make Rowena happy. For
five years. That was my goal. For 18 months before we started dating,
that was my goal. We worked together. So, I would not date her. When I
quit that job, my goal became full time.
Not only did I lose her,
I failed.
Everything I did, and I failed.
I was inadequate for the requirements of my goal.
I thought it was right this time. I thought I had learned. I thought I
was putting enough effort into it. I put so much effort into it. I
tried so hard. I opened myself to her. I had no secrets from her. She
knew every last awfull detail about me, and still does. I told her
every flaw I thought I had. She still said she loved me, and I beleived
her. I let her come into me, and I thought about her every hour of
every day. I was thinking about our future together. I was thinking
about forever. I've never done that. Could I do that again? It doesn't
feel like it now. How could I ever be adequate? My goal seems
impossible.
I still think about her whenever I decide what to do. Its habitual, I
guess. I used to come to a decision, a crossroad in life, and think how
it would affect her. The bigger the decision, the more weight she had.
I was thinking about forever. I wanted to make her life as wonderfull
as possible. I wanted to make her future stable and secure. I didn't
want her to have to worry about tomorrow. I didn't want to do anything
that would hurt her. I would never have hurt her on purpose.
I was loyal. I never even thought about cheating on her. She made me
beleive that she was the same. It wasn't true. She cheated on me with
several guys. I never knew. I only suspected that one time, and I
beleived her explanation. Almost 2 years, and I never suspected, but
once. To find out it had been going on so long. I should have realized.
I should have seen, but she lied. I trusted her. I let her in, and she
lied. She cheated on me, and got angry at me when I found out.
Her previous boyfriend had warned me about the guys online. I just
thought he was a jealous ex-boyfriend trying to get rid of me. Dude, if
you read this, I'm sorry I didn't listen.
Thats probably what the guy she moved in with thinks about me now. Oh
well, his loss, but honestly I wouldn't listen either without the
benefit of hindsight. He'll have hindsight soon enough.
I found out by reading her Cell phone bill. We had talked about what
kind of plan we both had with Sprint PCS. They had come out with a new
$35 plan, and I knew we were both paying for over $50 each on our
plans. I went to check her bill so I could tell her how much we could
save if we switched, and I saw all the calls to the same place. All
between 2-8am, most nights of the week. I was not looking for or
remotely expecting anything like that. It made me physicly ill. I
didn't know how to confront her about it. I was confused. When I
finally confronted her, she got angry at me for spying on her. Spying
on her!!!
I didn't think that looking at her bill was that big of a deal. We had
the joint checking account, and I shared my bill with her. I had no
idea that someone would want to hide their phone bill. It had never
occured to me. I guess I'm a stupid country boy. I don't have any
business messing with these big city women. I'm not stupid, I'm just
naive. I hate being naive. I'd almost rather be stupid, then I wouldn't
realize how naive I was.
I was trying to help her, and I felt stabbed in the back.
That week I started noticing that the times she was upstairs all night
until 8-10 in the morning, and didn't come to bed. If I went upstairs I
would find her naked on my old bed, with her phone in her hand. I
eventually got the nerve to look at the phone number. That night, there
were three consecutive calls covering almost three hours to another
officer in the guild. Her other hand was in her naked crotch, and she
was passed out on the bed. I never went upstairs in the morning again.
I still cry when I think about it.
I was confused. I didn't know what to do. The person I cared about and
trusted more than anyone else in the world couldn't be betraying me. I
had been so true. I had been so loyal.
The next week I had found out that a new expantion pack for EverQuest
was coming out. I read about it on my "news for nerds" website. I knew
it meant she would be spending even more time online, if that was
possible. There was also mention of everquest anonymous, and everquest
widows message boards. I was curious, and read them. I learned that you
could get married in game. I was scared.
I had looked at her web site before, but I couldn't understand the
language on it. Everything was encoded in EQ speak, but this time I saw
"My Husband, and best friend Thornal.". Again, I was physicly ill. This
time for several days. I tried to talk to her about it, but she was
always playing. She would get angry at me if I interrupted her. Looking
back, I shouldn't have put up with it, but I blamed myself at the time.
She would come to bed as I woke up in the morning, and still be at home
when I got back. She told me she was going to work.
One of her coworkers, and a mutual friend called me one morning that
week, and asked how she was really doing. I didn't understand. He said
she hadn't been to work for a week and a half, and before those few
days, not since thanksgiving. I was shocked. Why was I shocked? I
suppose because the situation just kept getting worse. Not that it was
getting worse at the time, I was just learning how bad it was.
Still, she told me she loved me. She told me I was her favorite guy in
the world. That was a copy of what I made up for her. I always told
her, "You're my favorite gal in the world." I loved her so much. I
guess she didn't realize what that meant. Not that I didn't tell her
that I loved her, though. I told her every morning, and every phone
call. I told her when we both got home, and when we went to bed. She
stopped doing most of those things. She stopped spending time with me.
I know that it wasn't just me. She lied to her parents, her employer,
and her friends. She just wanted to spend her time playing EQ. In
retrospect, time with her other boyfriends.
I spent a week being sick, and not being able to concentrate at work.
On Friday, I came home early because I couldn't get anything done. She
was there wearing nothing but a bathrobe at the computer, and she
didn't want me to see the screen. She stopped and came downstairs. I
confronted her.
I asked her about spending time with me, and never being able to go
out. I asked her about never cleaning the house. I asked her about
never being in bed together. I asked her about getting married in EQ.
That morning, before I went to work, my curiosity got the better of me.
I looked at her old email, and found what I didn't want to see. Pornos
from James, from last August. Two days after my birthday. I had noticed
that she didn't put any thought into my birthday present last year. It
had become clear. I thought she was married to James in the game.
She admitted to being married to Thornal, who was actually Javier. I
thought I might have been confused on the pornos, but I asked her about
them. She got mad at me for spying on her again. It didn't hurt so much
that time, because I did go looking for evidence. I was unsure, and
felt bad about looking. So, I beleived her that there was nothing
between her and James.
I confronted her about the phone sex. She started crying, and saying
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. She said she wasn't good enough for me, but I
thought that was for me to decide. I wanted to know if I was good
enough for her. I would decide whether she was good enough for me.
She didn't think there was anything wrong with being married in game. I
did. She apologized, and said it was over between them anyway. She was
getting her last name changed back as soon as the EQ divorce went
through. We broke up that Sunday in December, two weeks before
Christmas. At that point, I felt so much better. I felt the weight
gone. I was OK. No more lies. No more worry about Thornal, James, and
Eadan. But on Monday I fell. I wanted her so badly. I was so in love, I
wanted to help make her happy. We said we would give it a try, and I
forgave her.
I should have given up when she refused to forgive me for spying on
her. I didn't. I felt bad about it instead, and tried to make up for
it. I thought she would be trying to make up too. She didn't. She just
went back to playing EQ, and lying about work. Eventually, I caught her
so often, she quit lying about work before christmas. She would start
back again after.
She spent between 10-20 hours every day. She would always miss work on
Friday, and be on the computer when I got home. I couldn't say more
than hi to her without her getting angry. She would stay up until
8-10am on Saturday, and sleep till 3pm. She would get up, and log on.
Sometimes, she wouldn't even say anything to me. She would stay up
until 8-10am again on Sunday morning, and sleep till 6pm. It was at
this time during the week, that she would spend the "required" 4 hours
with me, unless she had something better to do in game.
After Christmas, she started talking about how stupid the EQ "Fan
Faire" convention was. This didn't sound right. She was talking about
how only the hard core EQ players go, and she wasn't interested. ???
She played over 100 hours a week! She kept bashing it, and bashing it.
At the same time, she was setting me up. Her sister was moving at the
end of the month. This was true. She was going to help her sister move.
This was not true. I was getting laid or blown every other night, and I
was on my way to forgetting the whole thing. I guess I was blinded, and
all that time I thought it was masturbation that did that to you.
She had officially quit her job three weeks before Fan Faire. I thought
it was a bad idea with the current job market after 9/11, but she
insisted that she had enough money to live for 6 months. Her direct
deposits had stopped long before, because she worked hourly, and hadn't
showed up for work in months anyway. She said she would make the
deposits, but they never came.
I took her to the airport at 5am that friday the last week in January.
I went in to see her off because I was worried about her. She had given
me an itenerary that was not an itenerary. There was no gate info, and
no details. Just a time, a price, and a button to buy. I didn't want to
risk leaving her stranded at the airport. So, I went in with her. She
didn't want me to bother, but I did anyway. They didn't have her
ticket. So, after much lying to the people behind the counter and me,
she bought a ticket for $500 on the spot. She went throught the gate,
and I left.
She was supposed to call when she landed. She didn't. After about 4
hours, I got scared. I was trying to think about what could be going
on. Anything but her cheating on me. I wanted to beleive her, I needed
to be able to trust her again. I called her sister, who was at work.
She acted confused, but covered for Rowena. She said she would call
back.
A few hours later, I got a broken up message from Rowena. I couldn't
understand a word. I knew that our phones did that in the Las Vegas
airport, and I was worried that she missed her layover flight, or the
ticket was messed up again. I tried to call her again, but she never
answered. So, I called her sister again, but no answer. I called her
mom, she was confused.
I knew then. She had never left town.
I didn't want to know.
I called her sister one more time the next morning to let them know she was alright. I apologized in case I made them worry.
So, I looked to see where the Fan Faire was. It was downtown at the
Adam's Mark Hotel. I didn't sleep much that Friday night, and at 10am
the next morning I drove up there. Her car was on the first floor of
the parking garage.
I took the garage door opener from her car. She wasn't using the garage
that weekend, and I got a new car last summer. Besides, I was tired of
not knowing if she was home by her car being hidden in the garage. I'm
the one who would be hiding now.
I left a note.
Rowena,
I can't beleive the lengths you went to in order to lie to me.
Crushed,
Scott.
By Sunday morning, I was all torn up. I had tried and tried to call
her. To tell her not to come home, but she wouldn't answer her phone. I
thought of a way to get a message to her, that she was no longer
welcome. I left a message on her guild web site. I knew someone would
see it, and she would get the message to Fan Faire that she was kicked
out.
We had lived together for three years, and she was staying in a hotel
room with a guy she called Kum. He was the second number on her phone,
right after mine. He had the second voice dial too, "call Kum". I
looked at the phone bill again. I figured it would cement it. It did. A
bunch of calls in the middle of the night to Atlanta. I wondered if I
should tell his woman. I didn't, because I was realizing how shitty it
felt to know.
Then I found the Fantasy that James sent her in December. A word
document he typed up discribing a sexual encounter between the two. He
HAD sent the pornos in August! I double checked. No wonder Thornal was
leaving her anyway. No wonder she didn't feel bad about getting caught.
She was lying to me, even when she came clean about cheating on me. It
was worse.
I realised that, the trip she took to San Diego when her Aunt died
about a year before, she was lying. She had stayed with Javier. I was
made a fool of all over again.
When she went to New York..., When she went to San Francisco..., when
she went to Atlanta..., only a few people knew where she really was
each time. I thought I did.
She was a cyberslut. She didn't save anything for me. She gave all my precious moments away to other guys.
When she came home that Sunday night, all she said was "sorry". For
what? For not telling the truth about where she was. Nothing about
James, Javier, or Kum. Hell, I'm still suspicious about Eadan, but at
this point he doesn't even matter. She had gone too far.
ny this point, I had enough. I was packing, and I asked her to leave.
Of course, I had already put that she wasn't going to be living with me
anymore in the post to her message board. I let the other guys know
that our five year relationship was coming to an end, and our three
years of living together was over. They could do whatever they wanted
to her.
Do I blame the guys online? sortof... They could have chosen a moral route.
Mostly, I blame Rowena. She should have taken a moral route.
Do I blame EQ? Partly. The game is addictive, but its only a game.
She should have been straight up. She should have let me know before becoming a slut.
Being a slut is fine. Being a slut while saying your in a commited relationship is not.
I still wonder if she used sexual favors to get her position as an officer. I think she did.
I was very angry. I had never been angry since I had known Rowena. She
made my life complete. Now she made my life a complete hell. She
betrayed me harder than I ever expected. I never would have thought
that she would do such a thing. I trusted her.
Back to the Question:
Why?
Why do I think about her so much? Why does it get to me?
ANSWER:
I still think about her. Before I do anything, I still consider how it
will effect her. Before, I would think how much I loved her, and which
decision would be best for the both of us. Now, I think about how much
I love her, and then realize what an idiot I am. I know she doesn't
care what happens to me. She hadn't for a long time. Why am I wasting
my time considering her. I feel like a fool every time I make a
decision. I feel like a fool because I consider her best interests,
sometimes before my own. It hurts, every time.
Mostly, I've been doing better. I haven't thought about her as much.
Still, almost every hour of the day, something makes me think of her.
It reminds me of my goal, to make her happy. It reminds me that she
didn't care about my happiness. It reminds me that I failed.
Every hour of every day, I relive how I failed at what was going to be
the best acheivement in my entire life. Something that was supposed to
last forever.
It makes me angry. I'm angry that I still love her. I'm angry that she
feels no remorse. I'm angry that she screwed up my home, and my
financial situation. I hate her.
Because I love her, I hate myself for hating her, but I can't forgive
her again. I forgave her before, and she was lying about what I forgave
her for. She had tried to pull that again after Fan Faire too.
I should be glad she's gone.
I still feel like a failure. I don't feel like I'm good enough for
anyone. I did my best. It wasn't enough. I don't know that I could do
any more. I don't think I can do more.
People say, its not your fault. It doesn't help.
I stole from the now to build for our future. I wanted our future to be
wonderfull. She stole from our future to live now. All the emotional
investments I made, she spent on EQ fuckbuddies.
I've been ripped off.
Almost every hour of every day, I feel ripped off because I can't stop
thinking about her. I hate thinking about her well being. I hate the
fact that I still want to help the slut who screwed me over.
Lament Nazriah. Lament the love you threw away. Lament the love that
was true. Lament Rowena Saldana. Lament that Scourge of Shadow is all
you have. Lament your empty life. Lament Jazzy. Lament the pain you
caused. Lament.
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3/24/02
Well, after less than two days of this page being up. I have discovered
that she was with at least 6 other guys since we were living together,
possibly 8 or more. It had been going on since day one, actually before
we even started dating. The ones who have sent me email have the same
story for the most part. Of course, she was living with me for three
years. How could I not have seen? She can't be trusted.
She is still doing the same thing now to her current batch of guys.
There were at least 4 of us last fall. Everyone thought she was just
with them, or was leaving the other guy they knew about. There is no
indication that she plans to stop. She needs to use people in order to
feel complete.
I no longer blame the guild or the game for what she did. The guys I
have emailed this weekend have all been very cool, understanding, and
apologetic. Most of the people in the guild are probably just there to
have fun. She is just a troubled woman, but at 35 I don't think she
will change her ways.
I guess it gives me a little bit of closure. I wasn't the only dupe, I was just the biggest. I can't blame myself anymore.
Off to the free clinic. Anyone else involved should DEFINATELY do the same. There is at least one confirmed case of an STD.
I suppose I'll leave this page up as a part of her permanent record. If
someone does a search for her, they can find it, and maybe protect
themselves.
I would like to apologize to the guys I broke this to. Its better to
know, but its never fun finding out. I have no grudges against any of
you.
Peace.
Scott.
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3/26/02
I had let her use this web space since 1998. When I was cleaning it up
today, I found my Valentine from 1999. Its hard to beleive that she was
cheating on me then, but she was. I guess she just needed a place to
live.
The Christmas lights she talked about... That was the night her ex
live-in came by, and warned me about the guys online. When she said I
was understanding and loving, she must have meant "I realized you were
a sucker". We moved in together at the end of the month.
Still, when I read that Valentine its so hard to beleive it wasn't
true, even though I know now that I was never her one and only.
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3/31/02
After meeting her parents, I didn't feel it was too forward to offer to
go along with her whenever a family member died. I wanted to be there
for her if I was needed. The first time I offered to go along was when
her aunt died. She told me how sweet it was, and how she was touched
that I offered. She might like having someone to be there for her. She
would look for plane tickets, and see how much it would cost for both
of us to go.
When she found the plane tickets, they were too expensive for her to
buy both of them. I offered to buy my own, and her's if she couldn't
afford it. She wouldn't let me pay for her's. (In hindsight, this was
uncharacteristicly kind.) She went back and forth all week. I went
ahead, and asked off work. I had to let my boss know I would be out of
town if there was a chance that I might be going. I kept asking her,
and she wasn't sure. On friday, she bought a ticket while I was at
work, and had a friend take her to the airport. When she got back, I
was there to comfort her. She thought that was so sweet. We had sex
almost immediately. She was nice to me for weeks after. It turns out,
she actually went to LA to meet and have sex with a guy she knew
online. Her family; however, took my condolences on the death. Part of
the story must have been real. He, on the other hand, thought I was
kicked out after that weekend. They were together for almost three
years. I'm not even sure if she washed herself between.
She quit going to funerals when a family member died after that, and
started visiting her sister in cities where she was doing a trade show.
It was a given that I wasn't invited there. Looking back, much of the
behavior was the same.
The first time her father got sick, she was going to go visit for a
week. I wanted to go. I felt that I could help out. She started the
same things. I almost got to go, but backed out at the last minute. She
was being so abusive that week. I think she actually went that time. I
think she was mad at me because she was planning to visit someone else.
I know she went at least once, but her family was confused when, at
christmas, I mentioned the three times she had been. She did have
tickets to SFO every time, but there was a guy in San Fransico who
would call her in the middle of the night. The other times she went
alone, and said that I couldn't come because of the way I backed out
before. I had paid for the ticket that I didn't use, but she kept
holding it against me. She was much nicer when she returned the other
times. Just like when her Aunt died.
Sometimes, a girlfriend would suddenly come in to town when I had
something planned for a few days out of town. She was always very
supportive of the "important" things I had to do. Sometimes she was
supposed to be going with me, but insisted that I go anyway. Now, its
unbeleivable.
When I caught her last December, she admitted to some of these things,
but she said they were all the same guy. I didn't find out the rest of
the details until after Fan Faire.
Now I know she never actually did any of the babysitting that I was
told about. She had talked to the person about it, but they had gotten
another friend to do it. The money she got from "babysitting", where
did it come from? In hindsight, her actions point to her going out on
dates. I didn't recognize how dressed up she was, because I rarely saw
her dressed. She was always sitting around the house playing everquest
in her bath robe. It frightens me. Was she just lying about getting the
money, or was she lying about where and how she got it? What have I
been exposed to?
If this is these are the kind of things that she needs in order to be
in a "Committed" relationship, she should have realized that I was not
the right person for her. Did she think lies would actually make it
work out, or did she even care? Was I just the perfect sucker?
I had let her know where I stood when we committed to be exclusive. I
had asked her before Christmas, but she said no. I suppose she already
had plans for that week, and hadn't decided to start lying yet. New
Year's Eve in Shreveport, she asked me to be her one and only. I
beleived her when she said she wanted the same things that I did. Now I
know she never stopped her other relations, but only promised to stop
seeing the one guy I knew about. I think she actually did that, because
she did the same thing to him that she has done to me. I don't think
he'd fall for it again. I won't, at least not with her.
Since I put this here today, it looks like there is no closure until I
get the test results back. Its useless to worry about it until I know
for sure. Still, when the risk level possibilities are so high, its
hard not to think about it. I will let the guys who have already
contacted me know the results if you want to know. The others are on
their own.
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Corrections, Comments, and Questions to:
sripley@cyberstation.net
To contact Rowena:
jazzy@mindspring.com
or
dajazzyone@hotmail.com
or
nazriah@scourgeofshadow.com